HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
You Might Also Like
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
man: wait
time: no
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
jesus christ confetti not now
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”