HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
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“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’