HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
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Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
How I like cutting carbs
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Going into Monday like
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy