Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
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Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Pat is about to own someone
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor