HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
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Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy