@MasonWills
@oldmanweldon A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
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@oldmanweldon 
@david8hughes [first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
@BipolarBearDick Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
@UncleDuke1969 [working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
@Kyle_Lippert I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
@PS_IRuddYou This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
@AbrasiveGhost [at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
@Browtweaten me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
@notalogin Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
@BubblesnBooze Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.