@MasonWills

Hot Panini is in big trouble

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@oldmanweldon

A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.

@david8hughes

[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really

@UncleDuke1969

[working late]

ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.

CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.

ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.

@Kyle_Lippert

I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.

@PS_IRuddYou

This girl text me: “your adorable

I text back: no YOU’RE adorable

Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…

@AbrasiveGhost

[at wife’s funeral]

Son: At least shes in heaven now

Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom

@Browtweaten

me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish

health inspector: so you see why this is happening

@notalogin

Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.

@BubblesnBooze

Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.