Hot Panini is in big trouble
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Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet