Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
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[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen