Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
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“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂