Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
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[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
me irl
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup