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‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
how it started vs how it ended
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
this is funnier than any friends episode
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart