Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
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Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh