HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
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you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Salad is the decaf of food.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably