HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
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Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.