Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
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STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.