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I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
I support this random dude and all his protests
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
My five year plan is a meteorite
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no