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[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.