HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
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I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
You can’t outrun your problems…
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.