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Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂