[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
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Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
bugs when you lift up a rock
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.