Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
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my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms