Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
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Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”