Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
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I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.