[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
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Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.