Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
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dutch is not a serious language
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.