Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
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9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you