Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”

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Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.


Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.


A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.


ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]

WIFE: What are you training for?

ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking


You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.


Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.

No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.


Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.


I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.