Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Someone just threatened to call me later
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
