Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
You Might Also Like
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
What’s a Messi?
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday