Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
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Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.