[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
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I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Wikigenius
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”