hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
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Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
absolutely not
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Good Morning.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?