[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
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Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Never forget.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.