Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
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I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
The opposite of goth is stopth.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
anyone else like Italian cereal
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.