Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
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Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
thanks auntie mary
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.