House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
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remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don鈥檛 even know the song but I know you鈥檙e rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Wife鈥檚 friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
How times have changed.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You鈥檙e welcome, Serena! That鈥檚 what I do all day! Decide the winner of women鈥檚 tennis matches!!!
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 馃馃
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
I鈥檓 convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”