House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
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A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.