What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
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My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.