@geowizzacist

House for sale. Spider on ceiling.

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@TheBoydP

What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?

Bars, they’re called bars

@MomofTeen

My trophies are a result of:

80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills

@SvetySveta

Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.

@abbeyaar

Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.

@permawedgie

Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…

Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”

@MomofTeen

Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.

@mzeld

Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.

@Alex_but_online

[God making African animals]

Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.

@truegritrumble

(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?

@sixfootcandy

The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.