[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
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House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no