[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
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how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Meanwhile in Portland…
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.