The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
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Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.