House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
You Might Also Like
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
socratic questions
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?