[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
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[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.