[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
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To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
very niche meme I made
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*