HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
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I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.