House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
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Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture