House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
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I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
You can’t rush stupid.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
me, after any kind of buffet.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom