[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
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All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!