Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
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Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Writing, She Murdered.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”