Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
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[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.