Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wedding will be open casket.

I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap

pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere

Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.

therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?

me: *deep breath*

therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up

me: *slow exhale*

Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages

Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume

Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices

Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.

If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.

My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.