-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
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Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs