Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
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[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
North and South
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!