How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
You Might Also Like
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.