How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
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Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
I don’t think my car can fly
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
I missed you with all my darts
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one